Erin Word is a free spirit, soul chaser, life lover, and dreaming author. She lives with her family in Portland, Oregon. Her penned thoughts can be found at ErinWord.com and she can be reached vie e-mail at erinword at gmail dot com.
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photo by shelby mcquilkin
Drifting Free
Some days I know what freedom feels like. Like a fiery wind on my skin, it causes me to feel alive and breathe deeply. Other days, I only stare into space trying to find it in the eternal distance. I like to believe I’m above this frivolous chasing, but often I’m teetering on the edge of a desire for freedom that I cannot control. Sometimes I fear real freedom is only a mirage, fueled by an overwhelming desire to seek water in the desert, but never really finding any. Chasing an elusive oasis in my thirst to be free.
This freedom is such a transcendental and ethereal thing that we can easily become consumed by the apprehending of it, losing our sanity in the search. We will become wild-eyed and messy-haired, murmuring to ourselves under our breath as we desperately dig for ocean beneath the sand. The singular moment we believe we have found what we are looking for – a safe pool of freedom in the midst of the dunes – we will begin to decay in the mirage.
Freedom is a tide. As children, we instinctively chase the waves as they creep and break, wanting to cast off the clothes of responsibility that rein us in. We are drawn to jump in and swim, but we only possess enough courage to dip our toes, fearing the power might overwhelm us and drag us under. Is freedom meant to tease us; to only warn us of the danger were we to embrace it? Or is it somewhere we might find buoyancy, and to our greatest astonishment, we will not sink? Should we worry that the seas, which promise relief from the blistering desert, will be our undoing?
photo by shelby mcquilkin
What is this freedom I speak of? The freedom to be whole as a woman. The freedom to reveal our souls as they truly are. The freedom to discontinue striving towards some elusive thing we are not. As women we wear so many personas we can become lost behind our various masks, unsure of who we truly are; perhaps fearful of who we truly are, were we ever to become fully aware and honest. We play so many parts in life’s script that confusion inevitably ensues. Soon we are circling, chasing our tails in some endless search to find the person we ought to be.
How can we allow ourselves to release within us the tempest of womanhood without upending life as we know it? It is our natural role as women to protect and serve; therefore the fear of chaos is very real and quite expected. However, that place deep within our spirit where we hide away our freedom can be integrated into our various responsibilities with an honest admission that there is more to us than the things we do, the roles we play, and the needs we fill. We can allow those “other” aspects of self to surface and shine. If we chose not to fear the unknowns of the ocean, setting ourselves adrift into ourselves, we just may find that those around us will find healing – healing through the touch of a free woman.
February 17, 2009 at 1:59 am
erin – oh this is beautiful! so many great lines, but i especially loved this one: “The freedom to be whole as a woman. The freedom to reveal our souls as they truly are. The freedom to discontinue striving towards some elusive thing we are not.” here’s to freedom!
February 19, 2009 at 12:38 am
This spoke to me as a whole, but these lines stood out:
“Freedom is a tide. As children, we instinctively chase the waves as they creep and break, wanting to cast off the clothes of responsibility that rein us in. We are drawn to jump in and swim, but we only possess enough courage to dip our toes, fearing the power might overwhelm us and drag us under.”
You encourage me to throw my entire self into the waves, rather than simply dipping my toes. ^_^
February 19, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Thank you Kathy! You know this is close to my heart, for us to be free to be ourselves instead of striving for some idealistic dream that religion, media or other aspects of life would chose for us.
February 19, 2009 at 6:20 pm
I’m very glad it spoke to you, randomGrrl. I do think many women tend to fear being authentic, as if it’s some tide we will drown in. However, in my personal journey I have found more happiness and freedom in authenticity than I ever imagined, while not losing myself in the frivolity of it.
February 21, 2009 at 2:57 am
beautiful erin.
February 21, 2009 at 9:31 pm
Erin – I have found, in the process of learning to live my life without children in my home, that the more I stretch and embrace the creativity within me, the more interesting I am to those around me. It’s a win-win situation! Being whole as a woman is not for the faint of heart – it is hard work, but definitely worth it. Thanks for your wonderful writing – it speaks clearly.
February 23, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Thanks Cindy
February 23, 2009 at 2:38 pm
I think the line “being whole as a woman is not for the faint of heart” is incredible, Patty. It’s so very true; in my experience it requires taking chances and risking failure. It means people will talk about us behind our backs, and we have to know that our value isn’t based on what anyone says.
Thanks Patty!
February 28, 2009 at 4:43 pm
“How can we allow ourselves to release within us the tempest of womanhood without upending life as we know it?”
This is a great question, Erin. Often it is impossible to know how the tempest will materialize, isn’t it?
Provacative work, girlfriend!